Speaker 0 00:00:00 We are age rich because we create remedies for life made by life. I'm Scarlet vis for AKA Mrs. Lee and founder of ageri.co your go-to place for Ageri remedies to help you find love, get rich, awaken your intuition and feel free. So now let's open the remedy kit and discover why we're all Ageri. So what is the all important love remedy? Well, I'm gonna be shortly speaking with Donna Barnes, who is the love coach and matchmaker to find her remedy, cuz she has been doing it for over 30 years. So I can't wait to hear what she has to say. And for me, I think there are three kind of points that make up my remedy, which is the first one is that if you're looking for love, fall in love with you, if you don't love yourself, then no one else is going to. And I know for me personally, that's what happened when I met my soulmate and I was just in love with me.
Speaker 0 00:00:55 I felt so happy and content with who I was. And I had made a decision that I would prefer to be alone than be with the wrong person and that attracted the right person to me. So that's my number one. Number two is if you can't seem to find the right person, then what part of yourself are you resisting and afraid to see that's because our relationships are our greatest teachers. What is triggered by our relationship with our partner is generally what is something about ourself? We don't like? So we have to learn. So it's like, what are you resisting? What are you afraid to look at? If you can't find the right person? And I think that's a great question just to ask it and see what the universe brings forward. And number three is repeating the same problems with each partner. What are you not learning?
Speaker 0 00:01:49 Because as relationships are a learning place, really for our soul to take place in this world. And if you are constantly attracting the wrong person or someone who gives you grief or whatever reason you have around feeling, it's never right. What are you not learning about yourself? What are you not learning about your past, your relationship perhaps with your parents usually stems from there. And I think that's always a great question to ask yourself and see what comes up and you don't have the answer straight away. Just tune in before you go to sleep, ask the question, see what you wake up with. Just ask it and putting it out there actually opens up a channel for you to find the answer. So with that further ado, we're gonna speak with gorgeous Donna barns, all about her love remedy and see what she has to say. Hello and welcome to Adrian remedies for life. And so excited today because we have gorgeous Donna Barnes, the loved coach and matchmaker. Welcome.
Speaker 1 00:02:49 Thank you. It's so great to see you and be here.
Speaker 0 00:02:52 Look, I am so desperate to find out what is the love remedy? I mean, you are the love coach, you know, all about it. We wanna know for people who are looking for love or having problems in love, what, what would you say?
Speaker 2 00:03:09 Well, I think looking for love is sometimes the problem because when you chase something, it runs, I always say, and you can put too much, must have on something and push it away. So I think that's the first place to start. And, and it's very helpful to know in addition to what you want in a relationship, what you don't want in a relationship. And that's really most important. And then I, as a matchmaker, I ask my clients to tell me, what are your top three wishlist wish things that you really like to have in a, in a partner and what are your top three deal breakers? What are three things that you absolutely cannot have? And I think that's enough to start with because people get so carried away and they say, am I too picky? Or I'm picky. And, and, and sometimes you can pick yourself out of a really wonderful person because first impressions are frequently wrong.
Speaker 2 00:04:03 I, I, I really honestly, as a matchmaker now, after being the love coach for 15 years, it's fascinating because I've always said commonality is what makes relationships last. So if you know that you have commonality with somebody before, you know, if you have chemistry, if you do have chemistry, then you have a much better chance of making it last. So that's what I love about, you know, I've always loved that about online, but online you have to do it, right. You have to be honest and you have to know yourself and you have to put it out there in the right way. And not everybody does that. And not everybody is who they say they are, which you know, is, is part of the problem. But, but going back to the matchmaking idea, I, I talk to people via zoom and I look at, and on paper, they are perfect for each other.
Speaker 2 00:04:50 And it makes me crazy sometimes when they go out and they say, yeah, I had a great time, great person not attracted to them. I don't wanna see them again, but it's like, attraction can take some time to grow. And everybody wants that blink, that instant chemistry, that instant connection with somebody which like, yeah, we all want that. Wouldn't that be fabulous. But honestly that's so rare, exceptionally rare. And if that's what you've always waited for then, and your relationships haven't worked out, then that's the devil that, you know, right. It's, it's the definition of inanity to keep trying the same thing and expecting a different result. If you are wildly attracted to somebody. And if you really start looking at the specific personality traits, then if you can recognize it's the same kind of person that you've always picked and it's never worked, you, you need to try to resist that and pick something different and, and different feels different, right?
Speaker 2 00:05:49 Like I, I like with the matchmaking, I try to tell people, say yes, anyway, if you go out and you're like, you know what, great person I had a great time, but you're really not attracted to the person, give yourself an opportunity to at least have a second date because people are very frequently different on a first date to a second date, because on first dates you can be nervous. And then you're, you're thinking about what you said, and you're thinking about what you said, say next, and you're all and what you're, you're in your head and you're not paying attention to your date, which sends a message to your date that you're just not interested because you're not paying attention. So I think that snap blink feeling is just so deceptive and so rare that that's your biggest mistake. If that's what you're chasing, then you can chase that forever and never be happy. But if it's go ahead,
Speaker 0 00:06:46 Sorry. It's so no, it's so interesting because there's a random thing, but I was watching the Kardashians cuz I love watching it. Some of sometimes I'll find it fascinating actually. And um, but one of the things where Kim was saying, when she met Pete Davis, who is a comedian, I don't like completely who you would never think she would be with him. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. And what she said was on the set, they did a pick, a kiss and something happened in that pick. Now she would never have even looked at him. So something happened in that moment. I think that's a great example of what you're talking about is that in the least expected times, you have a lot in common and then something can happen. So I think that's, that's great advice. And how do you get past that? Because that the attraction thing is a big thing. If you don't feel chemistry, you're not attracted to do anything. Are you saying that perhaps just give it a few more goes,
Speaker 2 00:07:40 Well, I think we've all met that really beautiful person that as you get to know them, isn't such a nice person. They don't seem that attractive anymore. Right. And then equally you can meet somebody that you really didn't give a second thought to that as you get to know them out of their charisma or their intelligence or their sense of humor, like you find yourself drawn to them and, and you just really enjoy being around their, in their company. Right. So that's what I'm suggesting. I'm not suggesting if there's somebody that you're just totally not jiving with and, and not getting along with, but there's somebody like, I can't even tell you too, as a coach, how many people have said, I, I have a great friend. I want a guy like my friend, but I like somebody that I'm attracted to. But meanwhile, they describe that the, the friend is exactly what they're looking for.
Speaker 2 00:08:28 If they could be attracted to them and you are what you think you are and your thoughts create your feelings and you really can make yourself attracted to somebody. I mean, not if you've completely like, like, you know, adverse to them, but if there's somebody that you're like, yeah, great person. I don't know. I'm just not attracted to them. It's not usually my type also studies show that if someone likes you, it's easier to be interested in them. That's what I was about to say. Yeah. Yeah. Does that happen where it's yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean years ago I know this happened to me. I, I had gone out to Los Angeles and I, I met friends of friends who was wicked funny and, and I had great time with him. He was like my new best friend, but I had a boyfriend and my friends later said to me like, oh, was your boyfriend upset with such and such?
Speaker 2 00:09:16 And I said, no. Why? And they were like, oh, well, because the way you guys were carrying on. And I, I, I was really kind of taking him back and I said, I'm not attracted to him. I mean, I love him, but like, I don't wanna go out with him. And they both went, oh, and like locks were short. I started hanging out with him a lot more. And he ended up being the love of my life for like four years. Like I, I <laugh>. And, and, and he, wasn't a good looking guy, but wickedly funny and really sharp and my best friend. And for the first time in my life, I knew what a saw me. It was. And I thought, wow, I, I, would've never thought that. And people used to see pictures of him. And they were like, really? That's, you know, I don't wanna say his name.
Speaker 2 00:09:55 I don't wanna add him, but like, <laugh> like, but like, you know what I'm getting at? So like, it, it does, you know, you're, you're perfect ideal of what you might be attracted to. It's great. If you can find it. But you know, actually over the weekend, my stepsister said to me, cuz you know her daughter's single again. And she said, why is it that some people can meet somebody and really make it work and have a lifelong relationship. And then other people just can't seem to make that happen. That they, they, you know, and I said, well, because they pick the wrong people, right? You need to pick somebody that really is your best friend. Like I've always said, I want my best friend that I can't keep my hands off of. And I think that's very true for a lot of people, but the best friend part is, is harder than they can't keep my hands off.
Speaker 2 00:10:42 But right. You can meet somebody that you're attracted to that you just kind of not that into, but you think they're hot, you know? I mean, and the older you get, the harder that is too <laugh> but like, I, I, I, I'm suggesting that if you meet somebody that you have a great time with that, you can just laugh and be yourself. And you're, you're not because you know, when you're really liking someone, sometimes you're not yourself because you're in your head and you're trying to figure out what to say and you're feeling awkward, cuz you're so aware of yourself because you like, right. So then it's harder for someone to connect with you that way. So someone that you're not all that excited about, you can completely be yourself with which it takes many months in a relationship to get to. And most relationships only last three to six months.
Speaker 2 00:11:30 Because once you get to that part, you're either a fit for each other or you're not. And more often you're not. So I'm just asking you to open your mind. And if you beat somebody that you had a great time with, but you don't think you're attracted to them, think again and at least give yourself the opportunity to go out with them a second time and tell yourself, I'm gonna look for what's attractive about this person. You know, cuz in matchmaking, I'll say I, I saw something attractive in this person that I really thought you might like find that, see what that is, you know? And, and what kills me more than anything, they come to matchmaking cuz they know that what they were doing, wasn't working and they're like, I need help. So you put them in front of somebody that's really good for them. And they're like, yeah, no and I'm not attracted to them. And it just makes me crazy
Speaker 0 00:12:21 <laugh> but that's the whole thing that I find is so interesting is all fair. All is fair and love and more. And it is so true because you'll look at someone and go, why are they going out with them? Why are they attracted to that person? Why do they keep perhaps dating the wrong person? Why do they keep drawing that now we know from, they might have had their parents who fought all the time. So they're attracted to that. So what do you do in your role? You know, to say where you can see someone has an issue around that, I'm like, how do you deal with that apart from going to personal development? I mean, you know, what have you come across or what would you suggest?
Speaker 2 00:13:00 Well, I think it's all good to look at our patterns and there's a very simple exercise you can do where you make a list of all the people that you've had significant relationships with and their personality traits, good and bad. You know, whether they're funny, controlling, you know, good and bad and do the same thing with your parents and any older siblings or any mentors that you had in your life. And you'll start to see a pattern that you've been picking the same personality. And it's usually the parent that you had more conflict with that you had unresolved issue with because subconsciously you're trying to heal that as a child, you're trying to recreate that and make it better so that, you know, you can have resolved that relationship, but that doesn't usually work like Ville. Hendricks is a B brilliant psychologist who wrote a book called getting the love you want, it's all a Mago therapy.
Speaker 2 00:13:50 That is all based on that. And it's about taking your partner and coming together and learning what your childhood triggers are and what, what your issues are, and then not reacting to them, which is wonderful. If you find somebody that wants to do that, but most people don't wanna work that hard. So I actually think it's easier to recognize those things and then avoid them like the plague. <laugh> you know, if, if, if all these things didn't work for you before and you meet somebody who's super attractive, but you can recognize, oh no, that's the same kind of guy that rips my art out. And I'm not signing up for that again. Right. So, and, and, or girl, right? Like men do this with women too. So I think really putting it on paper with pen on paper, I think it's better than typing in a computer cuz your brain processes information better. That way.
Speaker 0 00:14:37 I love that. Yes. Great exercise. Sorry. Kick going.
Speaker 2 00:14:41 Yeah. And, and write down all the specific characteristics and then circle the common ones and the ones that work look for that and make that a list of your, your preferences. And then the ones that don't work put on a list of deal breakers. And those are your deal breakers and you can't, you know, fudge on your, you can't be flexible on your deal breakers. You can be flexible on your, on your preferences, not requirements. Like if you have a requirement that like, like if, if, if you're at a certain age and you wanna be able to have a child before you're too late to have a child, that's a like requirement, you need somebody who also wants to have a child so that you have that opportunity. Right. You know? Yeah. So, or, or if, if you're sober and you're SIM stimulated by somebody who drinks and it's a requirement that you need somebody that doesn't drink, but you know, if you're a sports fan and you like to go to games once in a while, that's a preference that should not be a deal breaker. You could meet somebody who's a terrific match for you who could care less about sports, but might be happy to go to the game and have a hot dog or, or like, you know, just enjoy being outside. Right. So, you know, I think in being flexible where it's not an absolute necessity and then really holding strong on what is an absolute necessity.
Speaker 0 00:15:58 Now I love that because I think the aligned values, um, are probably the basic thing. Cause I know that with my husband, like we have similar things in, but you know, like he's mad about sport. I'm not. So we, but it doesn't matter. Cuz when we sit together, we can do nothing together really well. Like we are just like complete when we are together. So I get that. But I love that. The, so the main one, which is fantastic is to really, um, you know, see those qualities and recognize your best friend in that. And I think that's a great one for even if you are in a marriage or relationship to come back to that. So that's a great one for that. And then also amazing again, to have a look at those qualities or similarities to articulate, if there's any issues of what you're doing, even if you are in relationship, you could sit down and go, Hey, you know, I noticed that you do the same thing as my dad and that's why it triggers me. So I think there's some wonderful, those tools are great for people who are in a relationship. Is there any other thing that, um, you think's a blind spot for people apart from those two? Is there a third tip that you would give someone part of the remedy?
Speaker 2 00:17:08 I think not ignoring things that people say to you, you know, I always say if someone tells you something about themselves, believe them, it has nothing to do with you. And I think all too often that happens, you know, as a breakup coach, people come to me and they can all put their finger on something that they're now act said that foreshadowed how they were gonna break up and they did. Right. So really being aware and like, like I had one guy who came to me devastated cuz his girlfriend cheated on him. And he said to me, well, she did tell me that she'd never been faithful in any relationship. And I said, well, what I mean, what made you think he she'd be faithful to you? And he said, well, we had such an amazing connection. And I said, yeah, she had an amazing connection with all of them.
Speaker 2 00:17:51 And she cheated on them. It's who she is that has nothing to do with you. And that's exactly what I mean, you know, it's like, like you hear something and it gives you pause, but not enough to really do something about it. And if you love yourself, most is really the best advice that I can give you. If you always love yourself most and really value yourself enough to recognize yeah, I, that doesn't work for me and, and yeah, I'm having a lot of fun with you and I think you're great, but we're not right for each other and I'm gonna end it now before we get too attached to each other and it's gonna be really hard. So I know that seemed, yeah, it's hard. Like, you know, if you, if you haven't met somebody that you liked in a while and then you do and you're, you're kind of all in on it. That's the other thing too. Don't go all in. There's all sorts of red flags about going way fast into a relationship. There's, there's something to taking it slow and, and, and getting to know somebody and, and delaying sex. I, I always say you will never again, kiss the same way as you did before you had sex. So
Speaker 0 00:18:56 Don't that first kiss is always amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Oh, love that. They're just such great four incredible points about, uh, finding love. And thank you. I mean, so if someone wants to work with you because I can see <laugh>, it'd be fantastic to be a coach on all fronts, where would they find you?
Speaker 2 00:19:17 Thank
[email protected] is the best place to find me for everything. I do private coaching still and, and help people with their relationships or help them get over a breakup or help them know if this one's a keeper or not. And um, and then also matchmaking, you can sign up like, oh, Donna barnes.com.
Speaker 0 00:19:36 Amazing. Amazing. Thank you. They were incredibly valuable words and, um, a love remedy that it completely makes sense. Having been through so many kind of difficult challenging relationships and a second marriage, and now finding my soulmate, everything you said was absolutely spot on. So very grateful. Lovely to see you again. And, um, I'm sure we'll talk again. We might do the next one on matchmaking remedy and I can share this. Yeah. Would be awesome. Okay. Well thank you everybody. And we'll see you next week and uh, five.
